But, we made it to my parents and spent a nice afternoon catching up on life. I spent most of the time showing them pictures of Iowa, and sharing what stories I thought they would be interested in...cows, creeks, pies, and prairie...
We caught up with my ex, as he got off of work-- it was dusk by then as I watched him walk towards us....my first observation was that he was much thinner than the last time I had seen him...he was never a big man, but he looked frail and it worried me. He is 13 years older than me, and a smoker....for all the living he's been doing, he looked tired...briefly I thought, "gee I could still be married to him", and that would be my husband!!!...it made me feel old. He is still handsome, but gosh, old! I know, I know, some women my age are already grandmothers....and I am okay with that, I guess it's that I don't usually feel old. Being with Gio, going to kickboxing, staying active, I don't think of myself as old. I don't feel any differently than I did at 16....
And yet, I look at people my age, and some have not grown old all that gracefully....sigh....
I went to my first funeral while in Iowa....yeah, I mean my first...I have never been to one before, as I don't know anyone who's passed on...It was oddly fascinating...as people wandered around talking, (and not all that reverently), there laid the neatly groomed remains of a rather distinguished older man.....I stood looking and thinking, "so, this is what you end up looking like"...pallid, waxy, frozen in time....The man that owned that body was gone, the spirit and life that made him who he was, was absent....I never knew him, but from the conversations and stories, I gleaned that he was quite a character-- quick with a joke, and well loved by many...
All that life was gone, now but a memory....
I have no plans on going anywhere, I mean, death ain't beckoning at my door, and if he was, he'd be surprised by the ass-whooping I'd lay on him....with all this kickboxing experience, I gotta use it somewhere....
But, you have to wonder, do any of us, really feel comfortable with aging? I know, we're all supposed to embrace our gray hairs and sagging necklines....but damn, who really wants to look like a prune? Even worse-- a prune with dementia? Not me. I look at my parents....(they say you end up looking like them someday)....and I am not put off...both of my parents have aged rather well. Even my maternal grandmother is still living....
So, what are the chances that I will be some old haggard woman one day? Not if I can help it...my body might have some other ideas, but my spirit, the life that makes me, me-- is not giving up. I am still 16 at heart...I have a lot of living to do....
And while I reflect back on my reaction to my former spouse's appearance....seeing him for the first time as an aged person really shocked me--I will not let this deter me from living my life as fully as possible...me and my crow's feet are fighting it all the way...
I usually give you a nice recipe just about here....and I do have one...now where did I put it??? Ahhhhh....don't tell me, just another senior moment!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment