Passion...

It's Thursday, and the week is nearly over....I love Thursdays!  It is the last night for our dinners, and I always feel a sense of satisfaction for a job done well...Reflecting over the last three nights and all that goes with it, I know tonight will complete the week for me, and it feels really good!

I am sleepy this morning!  Coffee is almost ready, so I will be perking up shortly....Yesterday, I started to write about a blog I had read regarding "Passion", and then it got too late to complete my thoughts...

But that is okay, I think I gave you the set up of sorts...it is important that you know something about the character of the friend, of whom I am writing about - maybe yesterday's blog did that...

Passion....I always think of passion as something that enhances the project you are focusing on.  You know how it is...you choose to do something, usually willingly (I hope), so do you just go through the motions, or are you passionate about it?  And is this passion that you feel healthy or not?  Is going at every project, situation or relationship full throttle a little manic?  And is this behavior just a part of someones character, or is it acquired like learning to be more patient, or loving?

Hmmmm....I think I am a passionate person.  I think I am a loving person, but there are degrees...and I am more passionate about some things than others.  I can't just blanket every situation with the same amount of intensity....I think there is a name for someone who does, and not to be mean, but "drama whore" comes to mind...yeah, I DID just write that...

Life presents me with things I could get all worked up about...I could apply my passionate nature and blow up, or react negatively...lash out at others, or even hurt myself.  I can instead choose to direct my passion away from some things and toward others.  If can choose where I want to focus my energy, I can put it towards what benefits the majority, instead of squandering it on something that maybe becomes an indulgent addiction. Most addictions come from being passionate about something and expecting a long term reward, but not receiving one.  It is that hope that the occasional spark/high you feel will continue.

Is there an infinite amount of Passion?  I think so, but unless you are able to focus on the reward of all that energy you have expended, you will burn out.  Passion needs to be recycled.  You can't just focus your attention on something or someone, and expend all of this passion towards it/them and not hope for some kind of reward...if you get nothing in return, then you move on..to the next subject/person, etc...

In thinking about it, you need to choose wisely where you place all of that energy...otherwise you risk becoming a "DW"...riding a roller coaster of emotions created by the amount of passion you expend on any one situation, or project...there has to be a reward for all of that passion, and finding something rewarding-pleasurable even, is the key!

I think we often confuse love/hate with passion.  We think because we expend so much energy towards something or someone, that we are showing LOVE or hate even...it is just energy.  A loving energy or a negative energy...getting worked up in a positive or negative --it is all the same.  It is all DRAMA...if you let it be.

Ahhhhh...so what am I passionate about?  What is fulfilling in my life?  I guess that is what self reflection is about...to gauge what I want to focus my passionate nature towards...right now it is my cause.  I find assisting people with a meal, and coordinating our group of volunteers rewarding.  I have chosen to expend all of this positive energy towards making other people's lives better.  I give a lessor amount of passion towards other aspects of my life, which are rewarding to a different degree, and so on, and so on....

So, where am I going with this?  Here....

Passion, it is how I weather life's storms...I adjust my sails by choosing what I want to focus on...where I place all of my passionate energy!

This morning I better put a little more energy into getting my butt to work, or I am going to be late...time to go....

Writing again...

Yawn......5am finds me up, and getting the beans on for tonight's dinner.  Last night there were over 350 hungry mouths to feed, so I have a whole lot of beans to make for tonight!...Lord knows, I hate it when we run out...Sitting in front of my little desk, which shares space in my smallish dining room, I feel like the captian of my "ship"...(smile), from here I can hear the sounds of the beans begging to simmer, and my nine cup bialetti working on my morning espresso....

I have tried coffee many ways and I always go back to my bialetti...and yeah, nine cups!  I drink at least four cups of espresso each morning. Now mind you, these are not "cups" of espresso...but I guess it would be more like four "shots" of espresso...enough to get my motor running!!  The other four or so, I will save for when I get home from work, if Gianni hasn't gotten to them first!...

I love the hissing sound....ahhhhh, my bialetti has a bit of a gasket leak...I could get a new gasket, and one day I will...but there is something nice about the soft hiss, almost like a tea kettle, and once the hissing stops, unlike a tea kettle I know my espresso is ready....

Hmmmm...earlier I read a friends blog...Friend?
I guess truth would be more like old lover, and yet that is not really true either...companion, would be better...maybe even soulmate.  Not in the romantic, entwined forever sort of definition, but there is a connection there.  We have known each other for maybe going on 6-7 years?  7.  And yet from the beginning we clicked.

Ever have someone in your life that challenged you to be more than you knew you could be?  Showed you the world and all of it's possibilities?  Yeah, he did this for me.  His gift was his ability to coerce me out of my routine, and to introduce me to myself.  I know that sounds weird...to be "introduced to yourself"...hmmmm...how's this?...He had the ability to release my fears, to encourage me to be more than I was...to try anything and everything I only thought about, but never followed through with.  I guess that is the best way to explain it. He emboldened me to be all that I could, or wanted to be.

His lessons encouraged me to write, to start that first blog.  I also learned to dabble in photography, and to sail. I am not saying I wouldn't have found all of these outlets for my creativity at some point.  But with his tutelage I took a crash course, which has influenced my life since. I learned that there were no limitations.

So, here I sit, writing again...and ruminating over my day ahead...a day FULL- jam packed with work, and tonight's dinner...and all the things in between.  A day full of possibilities.  Ahhhh...my bialetti has stopped hissing...a sure sign my espresso is ready...

Mmmmm....espresso in hand, I am off to get ready for work, and my enfolding day....I will finish up my thoughts tonight.  You didn't think I would leave you hanging?   I bid you Adieu, for a little while...

So, here I am...two years later...

Serendipity..

Do you believe?  I sat down this morning to follow a new friend's progress on building her straw house...(see, there are more women out there like ME!)...I am enamored by Kim's beautiful place, and as I follow her progress through pictures --living vicariously through her, I come across her gypsy wagon, and her blog...and somehow once I go to her blog, miraculously my old blog pops up... serendipity.

I have wanted to write again, to start up and catch up on all that has happened in the last two years, but the last time I tried to reach this blog site, I could not sign on...I tried everything...and in my frustration I figured the universe must have been sending me a message...lol!

Well, here I am...and it is time to write again...
In the last two years I have both lost so much and yet grown because of my loss...

It is time to write, to share the beauty, the progress, the adventure of this thing called LIFE! Maybe one day in the future I will have another morning like today, a time to re-read the memories of a life both simple and not so...

Amber Lynn

Some months later....

So, here I am--still that girl I guess....

I just re read my last post, as I think back on that time-- I realize I am still that girl and not so much that girl anymore....

What has changed?  My outlook on life...and life itself.

Since my last post I moved to the high desert of Reno, Nevada....leaving the securities, and insecurities I had developed living in California behind. I leaped!

And life has changed greatly....some things wonderfully, and some things not so wonderfully, but in and of it all I am at peace.  I came to Reno to start a new life...this was my primary objective...and I have done this.  Was it like I imagined at first?  NO WAY!!!  I am still single, my son still lives with me, I have just two dogs out of the original five....I am still unemployed...sigh.  But what has changed most of all is how I see it all...that quiet, and not so quiet desperation I used to feel, rarely rears it's head anymore.  Fear does not rule my life...

I have gone through a lot these months...moving, losing friends and loved ones now still in California...the transition of my father in June, an auto accident last month, the adoption of my three puppies....most people would have thrown up their hands and just given up....NOT ME!

Is it because I am so much stronger than everyone else?  Is it because as some people, even close friends claim--that I am crazy?  No, it is because my faith in God who loves me, whom I feel with everything that I am, keeps me from despair.  His strength sustains me.  His love enfolds me.  His might and power emboldens me. I know that even before I came here to Reno, he made a way for me.  I know without a doubt that he knew that with his help, I would forge onward, that my Pioneer spirit, would make it through.

I have learned a lot in these months.  I have learned to depend on the God who made me just as I am.  I have learned to love myself in all of my imperfectness...to value that in his infinite wisdom, he made only one me, EVER...that I am unique, and the world would be a different place without me.  When you come to this realization, it changes everything about your life.

Where once I thought I was just a cog in the machine of life, I now know that this is a lie.  I have an opportunity to make a difference, to change the lives of others, to make choices that set in motion positivity for generations to come.  Small, not so insignificant acts of kindness that have a ripple effect...

Since I came here to Reno, I was impressed to go and help the homeless, poor, and those feeling lost and unloved.  I volunteer three nights a week for the Reno/Sparks Gospel Mission, feeding up to 350 people at "Tent City" a hot meal prepared at the mission, and I then I and other volunteers supplement with side dishes to complete the meal.  I also volunteer about 30 hours a week with the Mission's kitchen helping to prepare the meals for not only "Tent City" but the Women's shelter, Family Shelter, and the men and women in the drug and alcohol recovery program at the Mission.

It is not just food that nourishes those who show up for a meal each night at "Tent City"...it is hope.  It is knowing someone cares enough to show up...to be there for them.  So many have lost ties with their families over the years of living on the streets...many are ashamed of where they have ended up on this journey called "life"...they cut themselves off from society, believing they are unworthy...

I have been there...I know that mindset.  I have never lived on the streets, but you know there are people in mega mansions who have felt unworthy.  We are sold that lie every day.  Commercialism, mass media, even some churches preach that we are just an unworthy sinner, never being able to meet the gaze of God...we are but filthy rags, and there is nothing we can do to redeem ourselves....sheesh!

If you think like this, if you let fear and a sense of  being lost and unloved fill your mind....even if in your heart, God lives, just waiting for you to recognize his presence in you, you will lower your head, and grovel through life, looking at every little stumble as God's wrath and punishment for not being perfect.

I have earth shaking news....God does not expect you to be perfect...he could have made man from a million different things, but he chose dust of the earth...dirt.  He breathed his life, his soul, his spirit into us...and yet made our bodies and minds out of dirt.  How perfect is that?  Do you understand what I am saying here?  He knew we would not be perfect, that was not his plan...his plan was for us to be just as we are, perfectly imperfect.  Someone perfectly imperfect makes mistakes, learns lessons the hard way, makes hard choices and fails...but God did not make us out of dirt alone...he gave us his spirit, his loving guidance, our feelings and emotions...a beautiful GPS system that if we pay attention to it, tune it in, will guide us all our days...He gave us his unconditional LOVE.  He never stops loving us...he sees us as his whole and perfect children just as we are, without sin or blemish.  We are harder on ourselves, than he will ever be.



He did not remove his spirit from them....he did not leave them...they in their mind left him.

Over and over, you will read of God's reconciliation with man...all you have to do is turn inside yourself, and visit that core where God is, and always will be...his spirit lives in and through us, if only we visit with him there...

Sometimes we don't pay attention, or maybe we have been taught differently...maybe we have been lied to.  You see, if everyone listened to that "still small voice" if we used our feelings for the GPS they were meant to serve as, if we just looked within and ignored all of the crap going on around us, we would need less...and we would instinctively depend on God as our source...not out of desperation, because we are "unworthy" but, because we look to God as the loving source he is, and always will be...he is all we need.  I want to be with God, in his loving presence.

Ahhhh... "do it unto the least of these, and you have done it unto me"...

yeah...

I have been given a gift beyond measure.  I have the privilege of serving God, by serving my brothers and sisters.  By loving the least, in the world's eyes...by sharing what I know to be true-- that the spirit of God is in all of us...the so called "sinners" of the world have just as much God in them as the so called "saints"...they just don't know it.

So, here I AM, and where I am-- God IS.

It's been a bumpy road, an emotional roller coaster at times....but I am not alone in this, God is, and always will be with me...

Taking it slow....life and marinating chicken

I started writing this earlier today, but here it is nearly 5pm and still not posted...

I did finally get that shower, and no, no epiphany!  Maybe this is my problem, or should I say opportunity...I have been doing things the same old way all these years, with the same outcome (we won't go into this right now, I have enough on my mind)....so, maybe it is time I do things differently and see what kind of result I get.  Isn't there some kind of test for insanity based on this principle?  Well, we all know I didn't Need a test....

So this being said, you are probably very confused by now and wondering what in the hell I am babbling about...Okay, I will dive into those waters just a bit.  I am passionate, imaginative, and impatient.  Mix these three things together and you get a girl with her heart on her sleeve, wearing blinders and roller skates.

To put it simply, I jump into relationships way too fast.  My heart skips a beat, and the next thing I am doing is firing on ahead, not noticing the warning sign "bumpy road ahead", until I land on my ass in  front of a loaded semi truck full of heartbreak.  I won't go into how many times this has happend, as you would maybe think I am stupid or something (besides insane).....

So this time I have promised myself to take it real  s- l- o- w.....

"So, how is that working"? you might ask...

Uhhhh....splendidly! I would reply....

Awww...in truth yes, and no.  It is splendid, I am taking time to learn about my love interest, he is easy to talk to, and he takes pleasure in spending time getting to know me too...but taking it slow means that I have to learn how to be patient...this is a whole lot of learning going on here.  My mind keeps jumping to "what ifs" I mean I am 46....and there are a lot of  "what ifs", but I can't let myself get all wound up.  Sigh...I just need to enjoy this beginning, to take time to really see him for who he is, and not project my wants, and hopes...but to let this relationship just evolve...and I am glad he feels the same way.  sigh..(a happy one)...

So what else is on my mind?  School.  With the economy being what it is, I can't imagine that any time too soon I will be back working as busily in the design field as I was a few years ago...so, I need to be proactive (really proactive, would have been two years ago), and work on gaining the knowledge to go into another field.  I have thought it over, and I keep coming back to Massage Therapy.  It is right up there with my on going fascination with Holistic medicine...something I could tie together at some point maybe in the future.  There are plenty of schools locally and certification takes anywhere from 250-500 hours depending on where you want to practice...

So, what is stopping me?  Finances....logistics....just figuring out whether I am putting the cart before the horse..... committing to school means I have to stay here for the duration of my classes....and unfortunately I don't know that I will be here.  I can't say with confidence that in a year I will still be living in Modesto....I may choose to live where my heart guides me, and yet it is too early for me to make that prediction either....

Ahhhhh....

I think I will take a break from all of this thinking, and go marinate some chicken for Thai chicken Satays with Peanut dipping sauce....it needs to marinate overnight, and well it's getting late--see, how impatient I am? 

Here is the recipe-- (you didn't think I would forget, did you?)


Chicken Satay-In the style of Thai

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup canned coconut milk
• 1 1/2 teaspoons ground coriander
• 2 teaspoons yellow curry powder
• 1 teaspoon fish sauce
• 1/2 teaspoon sesame oil
• 2 pounds skinless, boneless Chicken Thighs or chicken breast halves - cut into strips
• 1 tablespoon chopped fresh cilantro
• 1 tablespoon chopped garlic
• 1/2 teaspoon hot pepper flakes or red pepper
• juice of 1/2 lemon
  
• 24 wooden skewers, soaked in water for 15 minutes

Mix all ingredients together and marinate chicken for at least 6 hours...over night is best.  Now you don't have to grill the chicken on the skewers....it depends on if you are serving them with rice or noodles, or if these are going to be more of an appetizer.  I find not skewering them makes it easier to eat if you are serving them with rice or noodles, so you don't have to spend time removing them from the skewers...Once you decide get your grill prepped by placing a length of tinfoil sufficient enough to cover the amount of chicken being cooked.  Poke some air vents in it, and lightly spray with vegetable oil.  Center the chicken over the heat source, and cook about 4 minutes each side.

Serve with peanut sauce for dipping, or to accompany rice/noodles

Peanut sauce

Ingredients

• 8 tablespoons peanut butter- crunchy or smooth
  
• 8 tablespoons hot water
• 4 tablespoons soy sauce or fish sauce
  
• 3 tablespoons brown sugar
• 3/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 3 teaspoons lemon juice
• 1 pod of garlic chopped fine
• 1 tsp ground ginger

Mix all ingredients together in a small pan, warm thoroughly  stirring constantly over med heat.  Serve with Chicken Satays....enjoy!!!

If only life were like scrambled eggs...

It's been awhile since I've written anything here....I guess there has been a lot going on....

Gio has been sick for a bit over a week, and with the H1N1 scare, you can't be too careful....so, out comes all the supplements, and he is getting better-- so much so that he goes back to school tomorrow after missing a week...

I am lazy today...and I have a lot on my mind.

I imagined that I would do some shopping, but as the day treads on, and I think about the weekend traffic, and the over populated markets...it makes me  think I will hold off until after kickboxing tomorrow morning, that way I can shop in peace....Gio is catching up on his homework, and the puppies are sleeping, and although I am feigning laziness I am actually eager to do something...anything to not feel so damn pent up...caged even....

I do my best thinking in two places....either in the shower...or driving somewhere....

I have done neither today...yeah, I am lounging in a sundress I pulled over my head as I rushed to the kitchen to make coffee this morning, and that has been as far as I have gone with "getting dressed"....I am not usually like this, and I wonder what is up with me?  Maybe I should go take that shower and think about it....

I know what is on my mind, I just don't know how to make sense of it all...I have too many things to think about I guess...I am contemplating going back to school....and then there is looking for work-- something that will sustain me until I finish school....and then last but not least, there is my social life/love life....

I just want to leap into something, and --go for it, but that has gotten me into trouble in the past, and I care too much to mess this up...so I am being cautious.....maybe I am just suffering from growing pains...and at 46 I better start growing up a little bit....

Usually, I tie in one of my latest recipes to my blog, and well today is no different, even if I am a bit side tracked....so here goes.... Yesterday, I made scrambled eggs using the fried potatoes from the morning before...they were really yummy, and something I have not done before.  So, here is the recipe for my down home style potatoes, and then I will tell you how I made the eggs....

Down home style potatoes....

Ingredients:
two yellow onions- thinly sliced
1 tablespoon of Cavendar's greek seasoning
1/8 tsp of hot red pepper
3 tbl of dried parsley flakes
2 tbl of olive oil or bacon grease
about 12 red skinned potatoes about 2" across (med sized) par boiled until fork tender-leave the skins on!!

I like to use my cast iron skillet, but any good fry pan that heats evenly will do.

Okay, get your pan heated to med. high temp. and coat pan with olive oil...once thoroughly warmed-- dump in the onions, parsley flakes, greek seasoning and red pepper (now if you are not a spicy person, you can leave out the hot pepper).  Saute the onions until they begin to brown and the the sugar in the onions begins to caramelize, making the greek seasoning and parsley brown and stick to it...once the onions are pretty brown add the potatoes, and fork split them into bite sized pieces....this should cover your pan in an even layer..you want it all to be exposed to the flame and searing heat of the pan...now, here is the most important part...don't stir too much...what you want is for it all to start browning, but not burn...it will stick to your pan a bit...don't panic, just scrape it all up and turn it over...and wait again for it all to start browning...
You will do this maybe 8 times, don't expect the potatoes to fry...these are red potatoes, and they hold moisture, and get more creamy, but they should take on some browning....you will know when this is all done, because your nose will tell you...you want to stop cooking once you think your onions are going to burn...and they will a bit, but this is okay...they taste glorious mixed in with the potatoes....

Now, go ahead and eat some potatoes, even put catsup on them, I won't tell!....They are too yummy to pass up, but save about a cup for the next recipe....

Ingredients:
1 cup of the fried potatoes
8 eggs
3/4 cup of grated cheese (I like sharp cheddar)
2 tbl butter

In a skillet, warm up the potatoes in the 2 tbl of butter, but don't cook them too much further or your eggs will taste burned....break the eggs over the potatoes, but wait, let the eggs begin to solidify....now gently turn the eggs letting them break as you do...cook a little more, and turn...do this repeatedly until the eggs are curdled-- large curds of eggs, not severely beaten or totally mixed in with the potatoes...think of this as gently folding the eggs into the potatoes, so that they still resemble potatoes and scrambled eggs....once the eggs are done to your particular style...( I like mine a bit wet), sprinkle in the cheese, turning once, and then remove from the burner, to let the cheese slowly melt into the eggs, and then turn once again before serving....what this should look like is scrambled eggs, much like a souffle, really fluffy, and potatoes mixed together.  If your eggs look grayish, and chopped up, you stirred the eggs too much....this is okay, it will still taste good, but the texture is not as wonderful as it is if you don't whip the eggs like a berzerker....

Now, I must say I make the best scrambled eggs, and that whole thing about whipping them before cooking, or even worse adding milk to them...arghhhhh...please, what you end up with is eggs that are dry, hard, and flavorless....you want to taste the yellow yolk and the whites a bit separately...they should be large curds of creaminess...you won't get this if you cook them to death, and beat them into a pale yellow watery mess before cooking them.  Then too you must use butter-- a generous amount, and some sea salt...under cook them if you will, and then let them sit a bit to firm up...if you wait until you know they are done, they will be over done by the time you serve them.....

So this is my schpeil on eggs....now-- if only life were that easy!

Contemplating life....

It's early afternoon on Saturday....peaceful, even with little dogs yapping in the backyard....it's autumn in Central California...pretty this time of year...

Yesterday, Gio and I took a short road trip to San Jose to visit my parents, and to drop Gio off for a weekend with his dad and Grandma who is visiting from Portugal...the drive reminded me of why I left the bay area--way too much traffic...lord knows, everyone competing to get to the next red light...(that has never made sense to me)...but we went, moaning the whole while...sometimes, I can't believe I drove in that torturous traffic everyday!!

But, we made it to my parents and spent a nice afternoon catching up on life.  I spent most of the time showing them pictures of Iowa, and sharing what stories I thought they would be interested in...cows, creeks, pies, and prairie...

We caught up with my ex, as he got off of work-- it was dusk by then as I watched him walk towards us....my first observation was that he was much thinner than the last time I had seen him...he was never a big man, but he looked frail and it worried me.  He is 13 years older than me, and a smoker....for all the living he's been doing, he looked tired...briefly I thought, "gee I could still be married to him", and that would be my husband!!!...it made me feel old.  He is still handsome, but gosh, old! I know, I know, some women my age are already grandmothers....and I am okay with that, I guess it's that I don't usually feel old.  Being with Gio, going to kickboxing, staying active, I don't think of myself as old.  I don't feel any differently than I did at 16....

And yet, I look at people my age, and some have not grown old all that gracefully....sigh....

I went to my first funeral while in Iowa....yeah, I mean my first...I have never been to one before, as I don't know anyone who's passed on...It was oddly fascinating...as people wandered around talking, (and not all that reverently), there laid the neatly groomed remains of a rather distinguished older man.....I stood looking and thinking, "so, this is what you end up looking like"...pallid, waxy, frozen in time....The man that owned that body was gone, the spirit and life that made him who he was, was absent....I never knew him, but from the conversations and stories, I gleaned that he was quite a character--  quick with a joke, and well loved by many...

All that life was gone, now but a memory....

I have no plans on going anywhere, I mean, death ain't beckoning at my door, and if he was, he'd be surprised by the ass-whooping I'd lay on him....with all this kickboxing experience, I gotta use it somewhere....

But, you have to wonder, do any of us, really feel comfortable with aging?  I know, we're all supposed to embrace our gray hairs and sagging necklines....but damn, who really wants to look like a prune?  Even worse-- a prune with dementia?  Not me.  I look at my parents....(they say you end up looking like them someday)....and I am not put off...both of my parents have aged rather well.  Even my maternal grandmother is still living....

So, what are the chances that I will be some old haggard woman one day?  Not if I can help it...my body might have some other ideas, but my spirit, the life that makes me, me-- is not giving up.  I am still 16 at heart...I have a  lot of living to do....

And while I reflect back on my reaction to my former spouse's appearance....seeing him for the first time as an aged person really shocked me--I will not let this deter me from living my life as fully as possible...me and my crow's feet are fighting it all the way...

I usually give you a nice recipe just about here....and I do have one...now where did I put it???   Ahhhhh....don't tell me, just another senior moment!!!!